The Hundred Year Old Teenager
by TennisPirate
Summary: Little does anyone know: the Edward before Bella Swan was really very mischievous. There are perks to being seventeen forever. Also: there should be hyphens in the title, but apparently I'm not allowed to put them there. T in case. It's safe for now.


_Hi, all!_

_It's been a LONG time since I posted anything here. I just finished reading all three of the Twilight books and thoroughly enjoyed them. I did find a few things I would have written differently—which is really the reason I write all my fanfiction: I can change anything I want! Mwa ha ha._

_Edward in this to-be-series-of-vignettes is a little less totally-serious-all-the-time. And by "a little less" I kind of mean "completely not". So if you like serious, grown-up, mature Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, you'd better pack your things and turn right around, because I don't want your complaints about how OOC my Edward (Ed to his closest family) is. _

_I'm probably setting myself (and all of you) up by posting this. To tell the truth, I haven't written "Episode 1" yet. This is just the prologue. To tell the worse truth, I'm not sure when (if?!) I'll be able to write and post said "Episode 1". I will try my very hardest, but sometimes things happen that aren't things we would like to have happen. So, I apologize in advance. I might update in fourteen minutes, or I might update in the year 2020. I'm pulling for much, much sooner rather than later, though, so bear with me for a while while I figure out exactly what I want to have happen._

_Also, everything belonging to Stephenie Meyer does not belong to me._

_And now, without further ado:_

* * *

The Adventures of

EDWARD CULLEN

The hundred-year-old teenager

* * *

PROLOGUE: About the Cullens 

To say my little brother Edward has a penchant for causing trouble would not only be a gross understatement but a downright lie. The kid's so proud of that particular characteristic, to try to shrug it off like that would probably be seen as grounds to have me removed altogether from my position as Edward's favorite brother.

Well, okay. Out of regard for Jasper, I probably ought to point out that Edward has only once _actually_ mentioned that I was his favorite, and even then I'm not sure it wasn't just because he _really_ wanted a new phone like the one I got Rosalie for her birthday (I got him one that was not quite as expensive—I mean, come on, Rose is my _wife_ for heaven's sake, and if we're ranking our family members... well, sorry, Ed, but she kind of comes in first).

Anyway. Not a "penchant". What's a better word? Compulsion? Addiction? Something along those lines. Suffice it to say he does it a lot. A _lot_. And, I mean, it's the sort of thing one expects from a seventeen-year-old kid. They cause trouble; it's what they do. And Edward, in every aspect but one, is just that: a seventeen-year-old kid.

The one aspect is that Edward is a vampire.

And, being a vampire, as you may or may not know, means that his age (seventeen) has, as time goes on, increasingly less to do with his age (going on a century).

Right, I know, "Back up," you're probably saying. "Vampires? Teenagers who should be dead? Is there something I'm missing?"

Probably.

I've never been very good at explaining things; I'll try to be succinct.

Edward is a vampire. So am I, and so is the rest of our family: our parents Carlisle and Esme, our brother Jasper, and our sisters Alice and Rosalie.

Crap, I've already messed it up.

Because what you're saying now, unless you either know what's going on or are not particularly concerned by matters of incest, is, "_Wait a second_. You just told me you were _married_ to Rosalie; how can she be your_ sister_?"

Okay, well, so she's not exactly my sister. That is, Carlisle and Esme didn't give birth to us. All of our birth parents died long ago—we call Carlisle our father because he was the one who changed each of us (to vampires), and Esme our mother because... well, she married him. But the seven of us have been living together for a good fifty years now, and if that's not enough to forge bonds of brother- (and sister- (and parent-)) hood, then I'm not sure what is.

Granted, it was a little weird at first pretending a twenty-three- and a twenty-six-year-old were my parents. Edward and Jasper are the youngest, and even for them, Carlisle would have had to be six and Esme about nine—possible, I guess, if I have my female maturation patterns straight—but still something I'd really rather not think about.

Yeah, you're completely lost. I'm really sorry. You know what, maybe it would be easier for you if you found a friend who could tell you a little more about vampires, and the way we work. According to Alice, there's going to be a series of books published in several years' time recounting our lives from a certain point forward. She wasn't going to tell me—same old schbeal about not changing the future, dire consequences, yadda yadda yadda—but Edward told me when she was thinking about it. She was about to go completely berserk on us when she found out, but thankfully Jasper was there to calm her down. And Alice says nobody's going to read this, anyway, until long after at least one of the books has been published, so you should be able to run down to your local library and pick up a copy.

Oh, yeah: Alice has precognitive abilities, Edward can read minds, and Jasper can... uh... change people's feelings...

Right, you'd better go now. Come back when you've read the books.


End file.
